This summer I´m having a problem with wasps. No, not the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant variety, like Todd Akin, but the insect variety.
(Come to think of it, the Republican´s ”knowledge” of the membranes and crevices of the female anatomy might actually render him part of the venomous hymenoptera insect class and as such, eminently exterminable).
Anyway, talking of crevices, some roof-height ones on our terraza have been colonised by these black-and-yellow-striped waspie beasties.
At first I believed in live and let live. But after their numbers climbed to a few dozen and I was stung sitting indoors on my own sofa, I decided to fight fire with fire, or more accurately, poison with poison. (That sting stung! I felt a painful whiplash of venom shoot through my arm and down my side. I´m not allergic to wasp stings, but I don´t know if Malassie is. So I decided to act).
My first actions were completely useless. I puffed a bit of fly spray around but the wasps just dive-bombed away, blowing loud raspberries at me as I choked on the vile chemicals. I threw a bit of ant powder around but ended up walking it through the house myself. More mopping.
Spanish hubby, referring to las avispas as ”ellas”, which I thought was a bit sexist, said the cracks had to be filled in at night when they were all in sleeping in their wee beds. Well, I wouldn´t have it. Being “emparedadas” or shut up behind walls, is positively medieval and the miniscule skeletons would remain in our family cupboard, as it were, for millenia.
Meanwhile we can´t sit outside. Hubby has become the night time laughing stock of the barrio by setting up his laptop at the dingy end of the terraza on an old, butcher-block table I keep fusty plants on before consigning them to the bin.
No wasps there – obviously they have their cool value. Unlike Hubby.
So, finally, and since I´m the family decision-maker in all things, I say to Hubby, “Do It”. And he does. While the waspies are sleeping (or on Waspbook and Buzzer or getting a degree on La Waspidad a Distancia) he fills in the front and back entrances to their chalet with plaster.
That night I was in mourning. Hemingway was here, death was all around and the bells tolled for all of us. Next morning, the place was all abuzz again. The bastards had tunnelled out and were holding a victory Buzz-In around our heads!
So, more plaster …. and more tunnelling! I decided to get some summer exercise in with some step aerobics on a small ladder and a bit of zumba with some Hipercor junk mail. Up, two, three, ¡zumba!, down (quickly) and jump inside from the Gathering Swarm.
I got quite good at this, not quite Seven in One Blow – more like One in Seventy Blows – but I gifted free eolic energy to the barrio during some very hot weather.
Unfortunately, I broke my favourite planter, battered my boj to bits and almost knocked Malassie unconscious. My pal Ana suggested I use smoke. (Just what I need, to burn the house down).
No. It was time for the big guns. Silicone. I can´t get it off my shower-base so wee beasties can´t tunnel their way through it. And yes, it worked.
For about five minutes. The little bitches set up a petition on Avispaaz and a bunch of wingdignadas showed up, okupied another crack and the whole thing started again.
No wonder Spaniards use the word avispado to mean smart!
Meanwhile, I need bigger guns.
Maybe I should join the Republican Party.
About Mo
I got badly stung again last weekend – inside my ear! The ear and the side of my face swelled up and itched SO badly I went crazy! Oh, and did I mention the pain?
Found you as a result a ping-back. Nice surprise- enjoying your writing very much!
Hi Roger, I´m really glad to hear it! Visit when you can – I loved your article which suited my purposes perfectly. Thanks.
i dont mind the wasps that have the dangly legs, they are not after our food or drinks and keep themselves to themselves although they do build their nests everywhere and with my young children we have to check under chairs and tables regulary and then if there is a nest we spray it with the vispa kill spray, but the other ones, that attack and dive bomb you the moment you try and eat are real pests and so fast here in spain. Also we sprayed our roof last year as there were too many nests with the dangly wasps. We sprayed it with petrol and the fumes killed the lot and this year hardly any nests up there.
Gosh, I hadn´t thought of petrol! Then again, the fumes might kill us to since we share the terraza with the wasps. Last night we sealed up the holes again and today there´s only a couple of lonely ones flitting around. Bit sad – but i was able to have my toast outside this morning.
Ha, I totally identify with you. Mario refers to snakes as “ellas” (la serpiente) and pigeons too, which I always find kind of hilarious, but also cute. I guess to an English speaker such creatures have no gender, really.
It´s weird isn´t it? Yet they are in the WRONG!!! We know animals have no gender … have they?
Well, they have grammatical gender (in Spanish), but not physical gender. It’s a linguistic (nerdy) difference, but then again, they do have a physical gender, we just don’t know what it is.
Wasps are generally only attracted to old fruit (insert punchline here)
I am a bit of a rotten apple ….
We get the type that make mud nests that hang from the eves.As our roof is very high and we dont go up to the top terrace(we send the servants up if there is need to go) we normally dont get bothered but the summers they have bothered us I go up and spray the nest heavily with normally insectspray and run for my life and then return 10 minutes later and knock their mud house to the ground and stamp on it.It works. This year we have had no trouble
That really is a delicate and surgical system …LOL! No mud here and no nest really, just a lot of coming and going in and out of cracks. I´m going for the silicone gun solution again.
I am bound to say I also had a policy of ‘live and let live’ but my tolerance was also short lived when the wasps moved into my roof and then frequently visited the pool for water.
It is a moral issue but they multiply really quickly. Across the patio de luces last year there was a massive swarm under a neighbour´s window sill (six floors up so really hard to get to). I don´t want that here!
And how did you get rid of them?
Mo, You have my heartfelt sympathy – but your post has left me roaring with laughter! Thank-you for sharing.
I´m glad you laughed Sue … not quite at that stage myself. Maybe a small snigger …! Thanks for commenting.